An Alum-Slug

So, I don't know if you know this but...

I'm a Slug. A Banana Slug.

A UC Santa Cruz Banana Slug.

My first year up there, in the woods, at the clothing-optional campus (back then), was... hard. Coming from South Los Angeles, where people dressed and shaved and smelled of Polo cologne or hair grease or anything except patchouli oil, it was quite an adjustment for me.

But!

I held on and stayed. And I'm so glad I did. Made wonderful, life-long friends. Read great books. Saw deer and cicadas and redwoods.

And now, I'm in the UCSC Review Magazine!

Never thought that would've ever happened. So honored and thrilled.

Would you like to read the profile? It's on-line now. Yeah?

Well, here you go!

And Happy 50 Year Anniversary, UC Santa Cruz!

From the Bottom to the Top...

I had the wonderful opportunity to write an essay for Zocalo Public Square!

By now, you know where I grew up.

This piece talks more about that and how I wanted up that hill.

Hope you go over and read it and share it with your friends!

A Library for the New World

So NASA found a planet like Earth last month or whenever.

Yes, yes, yes! That means more closet space, more Starbucks and a new location to Facebook about. 'Rachel checked in at the AMC Theater on the south side of Kepler 22-B." Hopefully, Groupon will offer this as a Getaway Deal cuz my bags, they are PACKED!

Isn't she pretty?

But what will I read when I get there? Kepler-22B may not have WiFi capability so my Kindle will be useless since I read all the books loaded onto it once I awakened from hyper-sleep and had to read during the rest of the journey over. So: old-school books -- we have to send a capsule full of them for the first public library in New Los Angeles, Kepler-22B (Okay, and we'll have to have a write-in contest maybe sponsored by our new overlords to change that name. Sounds like something I should pour into my camshafts).

What should we stock?

Here are my ten picks:

1. The Bible (of course, cuz we need rules and poetry and stories about sex, redemption and salvation in this new world)
2. The Joy of Sex (I'm sure we'll lose a few space travelers so we'll need to repopulate) by Alex Comfort
3. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss
4. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
5. The Odyssey by Homer
6. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
7. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
8. The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
9. Don Quixote by Miguel Cervantes
10. Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

What other books should we stock?

To Ill or Not to Ill...

So there's this awesome back-and-forth going on between the New York Times crossword editor and this freelance writer about the true definition of 'illin'.

From: Julieanne Smolinski
Date: Sat, Jan 7, 2012 at 5:05 PM
Subject: Crossword Puzzle Correction
To: nytnews@nytimes.com

Dear New York Times,

The clue for 28 down reads "Wack, in hip-hop," and the answer provided is "ILLIN." These are not the same things, at all!

Sincerely,

Julieanne Smolinski,
Not Even a Hip-Hop Expert

Click on over to Gawker for the magila!

Don't Tread on Me!

We don't want no stinkin' SOPA (Stop On-line Piracy Act).

From the ACLU (my old bosses) website:

The bill is aimed at taking down sites that allow Internet users to acquire pirated versions of original artistic content online. At a recent hearing, the ACLU expressed opposition to the bill because it would allow for the takedown of non-infringing content along with infringing content, in violation of the First Amendment.

As a writer, can't have NOBODY messing 'round with my First Amendment rights (that's freedom of expression for those needing a rights refresher).

To find out what you can do to stop SOPA -- other than supporting the WIKI black-out, please visit here. And if you have some 'thing' against the ACLU, then go here.

Yelping with Cormac McCarthy

And I discovered this on Pajiba who discovered it from someplace else and I'm re-posting cuz I think it's awesome. Called Yelping with Cormac McCarthy. Here's a bit about 'his' trip to Ikea: I went to the damndest store I ever saw with my son and my daughter in law shortly after my granddaughter was born. Had to be the biggest furniture store in the world. Showroom floor with these little rooms all done up you could walk through. I felt like I was trespassing. My son and his wife were arguing about I don’t know what so I hung back a bit and before long I lost them. I ended up next to a wall of chairs. Maybe 30 chairs on shelves all lined up. I guess I stood there for a long time just looking at them. These entries are the clever work of EDW Lynch, and it's some of the funniest writing I've read.

A Novelist’s Wish List for Santa Claus

We writers don’t require much in life -- that’s why we’re writers and not actors or politicians or anthropologists. Pens, paper and maybe a computer loaded with Solitaire will suffice most times. But every year, we, too, wish upon the Christmas Star for cool things.

I’ve asked writer-friends from across the Interwebs what they’d like Santa to bring.

From writer-friends Yvonne, Teresa and Jennifer at Goodreads:

My book to be stocked at Barnes & Noble.

To win just a big enough lottery so that I could quit my day job and do nothing but read, research, write and publish and never have to spend time trying to promote.

For my novel's genre to be more popular. Paranormal romance? Yeah, sure, everyone wants that right now, but paranormal comedy? Not as easy to market, unfortunately.

From writer-friends Thumper, RJ Keller, terryr, victorine, Jennifer Erickson, Scott Neumyer, Mark Adair and sandynight over at Kindle Boards:

The gift of quick wit and an eloquence in putting it to virtual paper.

A pound or two of dark chocolate covered espresso beans.

Two hours of absolute silence (this includes cooperation from cats, telephoning teenage boy/girlfriends, and neighborhood horn honkers) once a week, for uninterrupted writing.
Another pound of dark chocolate covered espresso beans.

I'd settle for being able to pay my rent January 1st.

I want someone to read my book, enjoy it, then write a review. They don't even have to buy it. And I want $2000 for more coffee, tequila and chocolate!

Hitting that Top 10 Paid on Kindle would be awesome.

I'll settle for the top 100.

A brief mention by Oprah on her book club thing...yeah, that's it, Santa.

A doggie door, so all my mini-dachshunds can let themselves in and out instead of harassing me while I'm writing.

And from writer-friends VTWriter, Birol, Wayne K, storyteller 5, sonya bateman, milly, jallenecs, quicklime, gothicangel, RJK, maestrowork, idiotsrus, ASwimmerWrites, Jamesaritchie, dangerousbill, aimless lady, stormie, Frank Kelso, Nya RAyne, Esmeralda, benbradley, AlwaysJuly, Shadow Ferret, Eddyz Aquila, Etola, James D. MacDonald, MissAimee, Amrose, Kaiser-Kun, Hip-Hop-a-potamus, Stormhawk, ambri, Rachel Udin, Alyssalynne, Jessianodel and IrishWristWatch over at Absolute Write:

A case of Dom Perignon... because this is going to be the year.

Good coffee, preferably beans not grounds. A coffee cup warmer that plugs into the USB port of the computer.

Amazon gift certificates.

A gift certificate for a weekend a month in a cabin in the mountains somewhere to be alone...to write and edit and just take some time to breathe with my WIP

A signed, notarized affidavit from my Muse, swearing I'll only have one bad writing day a month for the next ten years

A copy of Strunk to replace the one I cannot seem to find....

The CWA Debut Dagger 2010.

Ability, Talent, Perseverance, Luck.

My very own spot (with my name on it) at the coffee shop with ample light, little traffic, a comfy chair and lots of power outlets. Oh yeah, and a seven-figure contract.

A log cabin in the garden for writing in. Must have kettle and fridge. No internet.

Someone to do the housework for me. Some proper bookcases in said log cabin. Big enough to actually hold all my books rather than have to pile them on the floor as currently. The confidence that I can continue to write passably well, rather than suffer that 'Ack! Gods! I loved the last book so much, who can I love this one/write this one any better? What if I've peaked?' feeling. An inexhaustible supply of pens. I buy them in their droves then the house eats them.

A roommate who is unerringly faithful to my writing cause and does things like make my meals, take my exams, and pay for my necessities. Oh, and it would be awesome if she was also a gifted beta reader crazy about my MSs.

Fountain pens and writing boxes. One of these, to be specific: http://www.hygra.com/wb/captain.htm

Two of me. One for surfing. One for writing.

A Macbook Air.

An I.O.U one contract offer from a well established agent. Enthusiasm that never dwindles.

Quick turnaround time from agents. And publishers. And a desire to never wake from that dream.

I would like the Montblanc Mark Twain fountain pen and a barrel of Wild Turkey rare breed because I'm a firm believer in the the credo, "Write drunk, edit sober."

A six figure contract on my first book, seven figure contract on my second book.

A housekeeper, a cook and a cozy office with a good view out the window would also be nice.

And I wouldn't say no to a ski machine/cross-trainer to get my blood pumping and my ideas churning.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my agent sent to me
Twelve author copies
Eleven copyedits
Ten award nominations
A nine-city book tour
Eight splendid blurb-quotes
Seven publishing offers
Six movie options
A five-figure advance
Four royalty checks
Three fan letters
Two swell reviews
And a pack with a new ARC

A big bag of Wine Gums... I like them when the writing is going slow.

An app for the iPad (I'd also like an iPad) where it looks like you're writing on loose-leaf with a stylus and as you're handwriting, the app is creating a Word (or comparable software) document with what you've handwritten including scratch outs.

Jim Butcher as my editor.

A machine that allows me to sync up my brain with my computer so I can just think at the computer and words come out, so I can get books done faster.

A 7 figure contract, with which I will:
1. Buy my own house again instead of renting.
2. Install a lovely garden shed in back with electric, heat, and internet.
3. A comfy spot in said garden shed to do my work, including desk, lots of bookshelves, and comfy armchair (oh, and a daybed for brainstorming and naps).
4. Travel, travel, travel! (I need to see these places I'm writing about to further kick butt in the description area).
That'll get me started.

To be a lifelong member of the Chocolate Of The Month club. Make that Chocolate Of the Day. (Need chocolate to sustain me while writing).

A box or two of my very favorite roller ball pens. An ipod and/ or gift card from iTunes, chocolate, coffee, wine to keep me going. Oh, and an agent would be nice.

I just want a killer high concept with a built-in story with beginning, middle and end that only I can write.

An oceanfront hotel suite in some quiet tropical paradise for a month so I can finish my novel without the distractions of obnoxious roommates.

An editor who thinks exactly like me. Or better yet, the ability to edit and fix up my book while I'm sleeping...and writing as that has kept me up many a night.

Hope.

So, Santa. Dude. Get to ho-ho-hoing and jingle-belling. If it wasn’t for writers, no one would know who you were. Recognize. Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Fun with Sign Language

So, the family went to the Phoenix Zoo on Black Friday. This sign greeted us at the entrance:



Concealed and non-concealed.

Wow.

Fun with Sign Language

Don't know about you, but I love signs. Especially the ones with wacky punctuation. Here are two of my favorites:

This sign can be found on the big island of Hawaii, in a lovely almost-beachside cafe that sells delicious burger patties topped with a fried egg and brown gravy:



So "birds"? If they're not really birds, then what are they? And what's the little claxon-thingie in the upper right, next to the "birds"?

This sign can be found at the bumper cars at Circus Circus Las Vegas:



"Absolutely no"? So then, I can bring drinks and food in the bumper car line, since you told me 'no' about some previous question not indicated on this sign?

Do you have pictures of great signs? Send me an e-mail and I'll post them in "Fun with Sign Language".

How Did They Know?!

What the name "Rachel" means according to Urban Dictionary...

What does your name mean?

Another gem from Urban Dictionary:

Wordanista: A person who spends their life telling others what is or is not a word, based on what they have read in books.

It's like they're living in my head!

Why Alfre Woodard is Awesome...

and why all writers (me, too) should think about what she's saying...

Just a little bit of wisdom found at The A.V. Club at The Onion:

"Americans have a hard time writing moms. I'll get a script and everything's really great, everything's well-drawn, but the mom is like this character, like stock footage, they go and get that out. They plug it in, this idea of "mother." You could lift moms out of any script, no matter what the culture, what the neighborhood, what the economic status, even if it's a period mom, and you could switch them around, and they'd be the same person. I think it's because most people don't really have a human idea, a specific life that they attach to who their mother was. Their mother was there for them, so it either gets deified, or the opposite. That Mommie Dearest kind of thing. We love them or we don't, or we rebel, but we can't see who they are. That they are a person in life with taste, with sexuality, with opinions, who is pissy also, who has a right to not be the big tit for you every time you want something. And then we leave, and we go off to college or off into the world to work-you really appreciate your mom then. But there's that big chunk when you don't know your mom's faults, desires, wishes, distastes."

She's currently starring in "American Violet".

Some of my favorite "Mother" roles written for screen and page:

1. All the mothers on "The Golden Girls." Yes, I'm a HUGE Bea Arthur fan and GG fan, too. I watch it every day only because the Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia are written as full-blooded, sexual, caring, sometimes selfish women who are mothers.

2. Claire Huxtable, The Cosby Show. Sassy, smart, sexy and no nonsense. She also had a life outside of her children.

3. Ellen Ripley, Aliens. Technically, she is not a mother, although she does end up becoming one in her defense of Newt.

4....I'm looking at my vast bookcase. I'm scanning titles, trying to identify one in which a well-rounded mother is portrayed. Having a hard time - either she's a mystical mom, or a crazy mom, or a slut and junkie, or has such a small part in the story that she's not really there... hmm...

Maybe Ms. Woodard has a point.

Can you help me - what are some awesomely-written mothers in literature/television/movies? I know there has to be...

My Eyes, My Eyes!

I've worn glasses since 3rd grade. I remember the day the opthamologist said I couldn't see. My mom, sister and I took the RTD to Kaiser that morning. Two weeks later, we picked up my glasses. I selected a bright pink Bionic Woman eyeglass case. I thought it was all so cool... until the first time someone called me Four Eyes. Until the first time they broke. Until the little ridges on the side of my nose started to darken. Until a boy told me that I was much prettier without glasses.

Back in the 80's, you had to have incredibly jacked-up vision to get contact lenses through an HMO. My vision was just jacked-up. And so, during the last few months of my senior year in high school, my mother took me to LensCrafters. I got contact lenses that day. It was a marvelous thing - being able to see without these heavy plastic things on my face. Being able to have clear peripheral vision. And it also helped that my face was free in order to attract guys -- majorly important as I headed off to college.

Contacts were cool. They eventually got cheaper, and easier to care for. But as my eyes aged and, at the same time, improved, it became more difficult to read up close. And then, I had eye allergies. And then, if there was a Zombie Apocolypse, I wouldn't have time to grab my glasses, contacts, solution, case and then, what would happen if my glasses broke or my lens tore. I wouldn't able to see the zombies shambling slowly towards me.

So...

Two weeks ago, I saw a man about some vision. Dr. Hamilton, tall and blond and handsome, told me that I was a great candidate for Lasik. I believed him. Believe me, I was a bit scared. Being a writer and all, I had drafted these tragic narratives in my head about Dr. Hamilton sneezing in the middle of the procedure. Or the Zombie Apocalyse occurring right as the laser is cutting my right cornea. Or an earthquake. I'd never be able to read a book or write again. And on and on...

The day came, and the kind medical folks gave me a Valium to put the anxious writer in me at ease. That in itself was AWESOME. I cared about NADA. The house is on fire? Meh. We owe $6000 in taxes? Whatever.

Nothing tragic happened. Dr. Hamilton's hands were sure and true, and now, I can see, I can see!! Life changing, I tells ya.

Science has changed so much. I've come so far since that pink Bionic Woman carrying case.

Joke of the Day

Courtesy of Murderati.com:

How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.